Funny car adverts

[DSK]

So whilst browsing for anything from a true daily snotter to a new weekend toy, I saw the advert below for a Volvo V70 which made chuckle;

If I had spare time I’d buy that just for his honesty and a laugh! It would make a good tip run and public car park Viking. If anyone else comes across any similar adverts, please share, as I’m sure we could all do with a decent laugh.


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[dry run]

Was sent this one a while back

2004 PIECE OF EXCREMENT SMART ROADSTER ONLY SELLING AS MY WIFE HAS LEFT ME!

***NO RESERVE***

10 months MOT

Selling as spares or repair as it has no service history

and it's basically ruined my life...



Please scroll all the way through this listing to see some enlarged photos of just how s*** this car is.





​

Welcome to my eBay listing for this absolute disgrace of a car, which is the only thing of any value I have left after my darling ex left me in ruins.

This ridiculous piece of German engineered campness would ideally suit any hairdresser/florist or person with little or no dignity. Unfortunately it does not suit me as I am 6"4 and 32 stone. I cant actually get in it without putting one of my legs in the passenger side and having the roof off.

I hate this car nearly as much as I hate my ex who I bought it for, and to be honest she didn't like it that much either so she took my car in the split.



Anyway, about the car.. It is a 54 plate Smart Roadster in black, with Targa roof. If somebody doesn't buy it, I'm going to take a hammer to it as it really is a shitter.. When I bought it for her from auction, the turbo blew up on the way home resulting in a cloud of white smoke that looked like one of those vaping twats who stands outside Wetherspoons and fills the whole street with fake smoke. It was a total nightmare, but a new turbo was ordered and it was taken to my local village garage to be fixed.



It took the goons at the garage nearly a year (yes you a f****** year) to work out how to fix it during which time me and the ex fell out of love. Well actually that's a lie, she fell in love with her personal trainer who looks just like Beppe out of Eastenders (remember Beppe?). So she's legged it. I've now got the car back and my works van, and she took my car in the split.



I can not be seen driving this car, I have a reputation as a geezer to maintain, but actually, I physically can't drive this car, I look like Donkey Kong from Mario Kart. I'm worried that if I go to sit in it.. that it might actually just disappear up my arse crack never to be seen again.. so either way it has to go and if it's not gone in 2 weeks, I am going to abandon it the same way as I was abandoned because apparently some little muscley cross fit ****** with a goaty is now smashing my ex..



Apart from the new turbo it has had a service and new battery and fresh 12 months MOT which is great because it means you can have a whole year of driving around looking like a prize bellend before the car inevitably breaks in some catastrophic way again, hopefully resulting in injury. (because you'd deserve it for wanting to drive such a piece of absolute shite)



There is no warranty given with this car, as it has been fixed by men who frankly guessed how to do it and at one point rang me to tell me they had to "put the turbo on backwards if that was ok" and on another occasion "had to cut a bit off the engine to make it fit ok"



The car does still smoke a bit, but that's only on start up, or if you pull away from a junction, or if you accelerate hard in a straight line, or uphill. So basically drive it steadily on the flat and it stops smoking after a bit until you do anything different. It also sounds a bit rattley, my expert mechanics told me that it's "normal because these cars have shitty engines" and "the noise might be a screw or bolt they haven't tightened but they can't remember" which I'm sure will give you great peace of mind.



It might be a bit mouldy inside and it was quite damp (wet) inside as it sat uncovered with a badly designed cloth roof offering it's only shelter from the winter weather. It has no paperwork other than the V5 and Mot. It is very uncomfortable, in fact I'd describe it as like being in a little go-kart only without the element of fun, unless for you the fun is never knowing if the car will explode or something will fall off it?



You could buy this car for someone else as a gift, especially if you don't like them very much and you wanted them to leave you all alone and sad, as apparently that is the effect it has..



I intend to use the money raised from the sale of this car to commission the services of some hookers for a weekend of madness in our marital home, as well as buying lots of scotch whisky and lemonade to drink myself into a coma/early grave, so please don't expect to return the car a few days after the sale as I won't be in any condition to communicate, the money will be gone and if all goes to plan I will be too, not dead, I will have gone on a package holiday to Spain in search of more hookers.



Good luck with the bidding, please don't ask me any stupid questions, I've told you everything I know come and drive it if you want..



Keep scrolling down to see lots of enlarged photos of this wretched car...

 

[DSK]

Was sent this one a while back

2004 PIECE OF EXCREMENT SMART ROADSTER ONLY SELLING AS MY WIFE HAS LEFT ME!

***NO RESERVE***

10 months MOT

Selling as spares or repair as it has no service history

and it's basically ruined my life...



Please scroll all the way through this listing to see some enlarged photos of just how s*** this car is.





​

Welcome to my eBay listing for this absolute disgrace of a car, which is the only thing of any value I have left after my darling ex left me in ruins.

This ridiculous piece of German engineered campness would ideally suit any hairdresser/florist or person with little or no dignity. Unfortunately it does not suit me as I am 6"4 and 32 stone. I cant actually get in it without putting one of my legs in the passenger side and having the roof off.

I hate this car nearly as much as I hate my ex who I bought it for, and to be honest she didn't like it that much either so she took my car in the split.



Anyway, about the car.. It is a 54 plate Smart Roadster in black, with Targa roof. If somebody doesn't buy it, I'm going to take a hammer to it as it really is a shitter.. When I bought it for her from auction, the turbo blew up on the way home resulting in a cloud of white smoke that looked like one of those vaping twats who stands outside Wetherspoons and fills the whole street with fake smoke. It was a total nightmare, but a new turbo was ordered and it was taken to my local village garage to be fixed.



It took the goons at the garage nearly a year (yes you a f****** year) to work out how to fix it during which time me and the ex fell out of love. Well actually that's a lie, she fell in love with her personal trainer who looks just like Beppe out of Eastenders (remember Beppe?). So she's legged it. I've now got the car back and my works van, and she took my car in the split.



I can not be seen driving this car, I have a reputation as a geezer to maintain, but actually, I physically can't drive this car, I look like Donkey Kong from Mario Kart. I'm worried that if I go to sit in it.. that it might actually just disappear up my arse crack never to be seen again.. so either way it has to go and if it's not gone in 2 weeks, I am going to abandon it the same way as I was abandoned because apparently some little muscley cross fit ****** with a goaty is now smashing my ex..



Apart from the new turbo it has had a service and new battery and fresh 12 months MOT which is great because it means you can have a whole year of driving around looking like a prize bellend before the car inevitably breaks in some catastrophic way again, hopefully resulting in injury. (because you'd deserve it for wanting to drive such a piece of absolute shite)



There is no warranty given with this car, as it has been fixed by men who frankly guessed how to do it and at one point rang me to tell me they had to "put the turbo on backwards if that was ok" and on another occasion "had to cut a bit off the engine to make it fit ok"



The car does still smoke a bit, but that's only on start up, or if you pull away from a junction, or if you accelerate hard in a straight line, or uphill. So basically drive it steadily on the flat and it stops smoking after a bit until you do anything different. It also sounds a bit rattley, my expert mechanics told me that it's "normal because these cars have shitty engines" and "the noise might be a screw or bolt they haven't tightened but they can't remember" which I'm sure will give you great peace of mind.



It might be a bit mouldy inside and it was quite damp (wet) inside as it sat uncovered with a badly designed cloth roof offering it's only shelter from the winter weather. It has no paperwork other than the V5 and Mot. It is very uncomfortable, in fact I'd describe it as like being in a little go-kart only without the element of fun, unless for you the fun is never knowing if the car will explode or something will fall off it?



You could buy this car for someone else as a gift, especially if you don't like them very much and you wanted them to leave you all alone and sad, as apparently that is the effect it has..



I intend to use the money raised from the sale of this car to commission the services of some hookers for a weekend of madness in our marital home, as well as buying lots of scotch whisky and lemonade to drink myself into a coma/early grave, so please don't expect to return the car a few days after the sale as I won't be in any condition to communicate, the money will be gone and if all goes to plan I will be too, not dead, I will have gone on a package holiday to Spain in search of more hookers.



Good luck with the bidding, please don't ask me any stupid questions, I've told you everything I know come and drive it if you want..



Keep scrolling down to see lots of enlarged photos of this wretched car...

Brilliant, I actually recall seeing that on eBay live at the time, as you say everyone was sending links to it.


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[DSK]

This is another from some time back I found in my WhatsApp;

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